I've been avoiding you

Dear Brightside familia,

I’ve been avoiding you. Well not you, personally. But you as a concept.

You see, I’ve been running around all summer like a chicken with her head cut off. Reflecting on my past few Brightsides, I’m like, how much more can I talk about swirliness and struggling and feeling like an idiot before everyone finally gets sick of me and presses “unfollow?”

Honestly, I’m so sick of myself saying these things, feeling these things - that it’s hard to come here AGAIN and be like well guys, another day another dollar, I’m still fighting my demons. But then I listened to one of Emma Chamberlain’s latest podcasts and realized how normal it is to be having this experience.

Without getting you too acquainted with said demons (they’re really not worth getting to know) - I’ll share this. I’m at a really important inflection point in my life - I’m 28 going on 29, right in the first leg of my Saturn Return. If you subscribe to astrological ideology then you’ll probably exhale a knowing ahhhh, good luck, sister - and if you don’t - it doesn’t matter - the point is, a person’s late 20s are a huge moment of change.

At this age, I know myself better than I did when I was 22 or even 26 (perhaps especially 26).

I’ve done a ton of work to get to the place I’m at with myself - therapy, reading the books, filing countless journals with my deepest truths - and let me tell you, I’m so grateful for that work. The things that used to send me spiraling for an entire day are now waved away in a minute or two, and the way I’m able to act from a place of alignment and love (instead of the fear that used to be so dominant) is profoundly empowering.

That said - this newfound sense of self-awareness is a double-edged sword.

Before I started really looking inward and getting to know myself, I could blame my swirliness on outside factors - I could skirt responsibility and play the blame game. I’m feeling like shit because of New York, or because of that one thing that one friend said to me the other night, or because of that one fight with my mom when I was 13. While some of those things might have been factors contributing to my emotional state, they weren’t the full picture. More often than not during those moments of emotional turmoil, the real reason for my discontentment was my acting without thinking. (If I can distill the most important thing I’ve learned in the past few years, it’s been how to pause.)

But now this self-knowledge means that I have no choice but to take accountability when I’m putting myself in situations that are out of alignment. I can’t feign the ignorance I had in my 20s - I can’t even tell you how many times I complained to my journal “I don’t know why I’m feeling this way!”. I’m still out here complaining to my journal, but the difference now is that I can see how I’m playing a part in my own anxiousness and confusion, and stress.

My therapist would caution me against berating myself, but I think there’s also just something to be said for looking yourself in the mirror and taking responsibility. When I’m making choices that go against what I know I need (like not waking up to write, skipping meditations - avoiding the things that make me feel my most stable), that’s on me.

The thing that’s most important to me at this stage in my life is being as connected as possible to my higher self. My internal sirens BLARE when I’m out of integrity with that version of me, and I’m really focused right now on investigating those sirens instead of putting a pillow over my ears and pretending not to hear like I might have done a few years ago.

Now let me be clear - I love my life. And as chaotic as things feel in this season, the beauty is equally matched. As I step into this empowered, knowing version of myself there just comes a sort of high-highs and low-lows dynamic - and it’s important to me to be honest about that. I’m moving closer to my dream life (what a gift to be able to do so), while also still holding on tightly to my old life. A lot has to “die” to make space for the new, which of course is terrifying.

It’s hard to run a newsletter called The Brightside when a lot of times, I actually feel like I’m in a thunderstorm dodging lightning strikes. But hey, maybe it’s the moments in between strikes of lightning that is The Brightside.

Anyway - that’s where we’re at this weekend. Showing up and doing the work - sometimes doing a great job, sometimes doing a shitty job. I hope if you’re in a similar season of life you’re being gentle with yourself.

If nothing else, I hope this Bside at least helped you remember that if you’re feeling a little swirly yourself, you’re probably doing something right.

I love you. Call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me —

XO

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