Fear is the Mind Killer

Is anyone else out there speed-reading Dune before hitting it in IMAX? 

I watched the first one a few months ago, bored on a Saturday morning, unaware of the hype brewing around the release of the second movie. A pretty classic experience for me - sometimes I truly have my head in the sand when it comes to pop culture. 

Anyway, I’m reading the book (LOVE) and it’s hilariously seeping into my subconscious. I’ll be like, brushing my teeth, or sitting at the airport, or doing something totally innocuous, and all of a sudden I’m saying to myself in the voice: FEAR IS THE MIND KILLER. 

Lol. What?? 

I mean, TRUE. It for sure is, Lady Jessica. 

It wasn’t until recently though that I realized just how true this is. I’m noticing that I have a LOT of fear about a LOT of things - even silly things, like, the baristas at my coffee shop not liking me (this might be real though - the Little Canal Legion is pretty hard to impress). 

My fear manifested in a bigger, maybe more valid way recently in anticipation of some solo travel to Mexico City. In fact, by the time you’re reading this, I’ll likely have just wrapped up that leg of my trip and I’ll be en route to Guatemala City. 

I do a lot of travel, but most of it’s with friends - and if I’m doing something solo, it’s usually in the US. This is my first time traveling to Central America - and it’s intimidating to land in a country where you don’t speak the language and aren’t as familiar with the culture (KICKING MYSELF FOR NOT KEEPING UP WITH MY HIGH SCHOOL SPANISH). Not to mention the anxiety-ridden phone call I got from my mom the night before my trip, basically telling me to “not romanticize myself into getting kidnapped.” Thanks, Mom. 

This trip is something I’ve been looking forward to for so long, and in the days leading up to my departure, I felt my anxiety and fear around the unknown of it all swelling up. I was mining every minute experience in the days leading up to my flight for omens about how the trip would unfold. When the backseat of my Uber to the airport was covered in dog hair, let’s just say I almost had a panic attack. If only I’d had my Magic 8 ball to consult … 

But then, I got on the plane and had an entire row to myself. And when I landed, and thanks to great tips from friends, got through customs in less than ten minutes. Within 30 minutes of landing in Mexico City, I was settling into my hotel (ok, LOVE) and exploring my new neighborhood. 

Fear - and let’s be real - unconscious bias - had me thinking that something horrible was bound to happen to me within minutes of stepping outside of the confines of my bubble. A notoriously volatile bubble, I might add - I don’t know why I discount almost ten years of living in New York whenever I get nervous about traveling somewhere new. 

When I reflected on the root of this fear, I couldn’t help but laugh at my self-contradiction. I wasn’t afraid of being in a new place - I love traveling and I love exploring new places. I wasn’t nervous about being unsafe - I mean, New York has honed a pretty razor-sharp intuition.

The fear was rooted in the newness of the experience. I get this way every time I try something new, even something as adorable as like, doing a pottery class. I’m afraid I’m not going to know something that I should, or not be perfect at something right away, or just generally be judged for not having “experience” in whatever the new thing is.

In December, when Daniela and Mariah interviewed me for The Art of Blooming, we talked a lot about imposter syndrome (fear of being “found out” for being a “fraud” or not good enough, blah blah). My recent run-ins with fear have been totally loaded with imposter syndrome. 

As I think back to what I shared during that interview - I was reminded of the truth that I come back to time and time again - imposter syndrome and fear don’t really go away (this is something I learned long ago from Liz Gilbert via Big Magic). What always helps me to work through the fear and imposter syndrome is just to do the thing anyway. Just to try. That mentality has led to some of the most beautiful experiences - I mean, take The Brightside. Do you know how silly it felt to send out my first newsletter? And the almost 100 that have followed? 

The experience of doing something new, or the experience of being in limbo before doing something new, has always been a struggle. It takes a lot to work through the terrible “what-ifs”. What helps me during these moments is trying my best to acknowledge that those thoughts are present, look at them objectively, allow them to exist, and remind myself that those stories are not true. And if I need a little extra boost, I remind myself of all of the other stuff I was scared of that I not only survived but ended up growing immensely through.

What I can tell you from firsthand experience is that so much expansion lives on the other side of fear. If there’s something you’ve been holding at a distance due to fears, intrusive thoughts, or beliefs that don’t serve you — I SEE YOU. But please remember, you have so much power to move through them and come out on the other side with some cool stories to tell.

LOTS OF LOVE, as always, BOGS.