The Brightside Vol 19

May 22, 2020

ON REPEAT:

One (Blake's Got a New Face), Vampire Weekend

Because Vampire Weekend feels like an appropriate long weekend mood.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend! Today is officially my first day off since ... February which is INSANE. It honestly hadn't occurred to me to take time off, because WFH is a crazy time warp, but now that the long weekend is here I'm like HOLLLLY heck I need this. I need to shut my brain off, read some books, online shop, and relax. So away we go. Hope wherever you are you're hanging in there and staying sane.

How's it going in your world? Today's a bit of a shorter Brightside, but I'm really excited that my friend Sam is guesting today with how COVID has impacted her life.

I'm hanging in! One thing I struggled with this week was my workout routine, or, ehem, lack thereof. As you may have seen on instagram, I've totally lost touch with my yoga practice. I've been trying to listen to my body and not force things when I'm not feeling it - but yoga is fundamental not only to my physical health but mental health and I'm looking forward to joining a virtual session with one of my favorite teachers and a friend tonight to try to get back into the swing.

I also took a little break from drinking this week. I rarely have more than 2 drinks if we're just hanging out at home, but it's been a nice little detox. I'm sure I'll have some prosecco this weekend and it will be a nice treat!

The Week in Pictures

From top: a GOOD MAIL DAY! (big s/o to Harley who sent me this embroidered bandana!), some COMFORT FOOD (my grandma always used to make me scrambled eggs and toast like this, it's my favorite), me & Louie, and some vintage Jody stationary.

Highs & Lows

High: Zach and I are signing our lease at Urby today!!! We visited this building in like... October (eager much?) and we've been dreaming of it for months. I was almost scared to even think about it for a while because it seemed too good to be true and I was like, we'll never be able to live there. BUT HERE WE FREAKING ARE. We opted for a slightly larger unit than we might have in a non-COVID world because a home office space seemed non-negotiable. We are over the moon and so excited to move in. <3

Low: Sometimes I get these intense stress headaches that are a result of not eating well and/or being really wound up. Last night out of nowhere an awful headache came on as I was trying to have a virtual movie date with my friend Kim, and the only thing I can do is wait to throw up and sleep it off. I feel much much better today, but I'm taking that as an added sign that this long weekend is a much needed break.

Guest Feature

To wrap up a shorter Brightside today, I'm really excited to have one of my dearest friends chiming in today on how COVID has turned her life upside down and some of the things she's been doing to cope. Sam, thank you for your honesty and sharing your experience with us. Love you so much.

Sam Cillo on Coronavirus

2020 was supposed to be MY YEAR. I know a lot of people say that but I promise it really was. I'm 27 and still live in my parents house—a choice I made despite my two hour (each way) commute (and despite the toll it took on my mental health) so I could pay off my student loans and get my life moving without that dark cloud of debt. AND I DID IT! And then I got engaged! We started looking for a HOUSE! It seemed like everything was finally working out and my hard work was about to pay off! And then came March 2020. On the 16th lockdown began. On the 17th I turned 27 in quarantine. On the 18th I got laid off (great birthday present.) On the 19th my fiance got sick with what we would learn in the coming days was the 'rona. My entire life basically unravelled in a matter of a week and I wasn't really sure how to cope.

For those of you who have ever struggled with anxiety and depression, you know that a lot of times it feels like the whole world is spiraling out of control and there's nothing you can do to fix it... except now the world is ACTUALLY spiraling out of control and there's ACTUALLY nothing I could do to fix it. So while this is not an unfamiliar feeling, it became clear that my familiar ways of dealing with these feelings would not *quite* work for the kind of anxiety this pandemic doom has brought about.

Some things I've learned about coping with life as a result of mine falling to shit in this dumpster fire situation we're in right now:

1. My job is not my identity. I'm a graphic designer. I work in advertising. And for the last 5 years those two details have fueled WAY too much of my identity. A lifelong battle with anxiety has bred me into a perfection obsessed workaholic with an unhealthy addiction to overtime and abusive work environments. I used called this combination of working more than full time plus freelancing ~hustling~ when it reality it was just unhealthy!!!!! Getting laid off has forced me to acknowledge that I am so much more than my job. Some wise and applicable words from Amy Poehler that I read to myself at least once a week when I feel lost without my work: "You have to care about your work but not about the result. You have to care about how good you are and how good you feel, but not about how good people think you are or how good people think you look... Ambivalence can help tame the beast. Remember, your career is a bad boyfriend. It likes it when you don’t depend on it. It will reward you every time you don’t act needy. It will chase you if you act like other things (passion, friendship, family, longevity) are more important to you. If your career is a bad boyfriend, it is healthy to remember you can always leave and go sleep with somebody else."

2. I need structure. Remember all those times you would think about your hobbies or that thing you wanted to learn to do IF ONLY YOU HAD TIME! Well, for the last *checks watch* 9 weeks, I've had nothing but time and guess what?! I'VE DONE NO THINGS!!!!!! I realized time was only a small portion of it. I've learned these last few weeks that the bigger issue, especially with creative hobbies, is that I do NOT work well in a vacuum. I need collaboration, parameters, feedback, a purpose, or all of the above to really get my brain moving. I cant just sit myself in front of a blank canvas by myself and make magic happen. So I'm trying to fix that and working with the people in my circles to try and get some passion projects going, even if they go nowhere. Again, "You have to care about your work but not about the result."

3. Don't fall into the "productivity" trap. If you can't bring yourself to do anything productive all day THAT'S FINE TOO. You don't have to come out of pandemic with all your problems solved, a new skill, and a sourdough starter (I will be coming out with approximately none of those things.) You can just sit around and do nothing some days and not beat yourself up about it. When you're feeling depressed, simply getting through the day is an accomplishment enough and don't let anyone (including yourself) tell you otherwise!

I like, really want these linen pajamas. MIGHT splurge. Stay tuned.

stay bright,