The Brightside: Honoring AC

Hiii everyone --

First of all, thanks to everyone who reached out/sent love my way after the news of Anna-Christina’s passing last week. I’m sorry if I haven’t responded. Losing a friend at 26 is such a shock to the system, and no matter how “prepared” for it I was (or anyone who knew her was—she was battling brain cancer for the past 2 & ½ years)—it absolutely rocked me.

I know there’s no rule book for grief, and I’m trying to remind myself that in moments where I feel all over the place, which has been often. My feelings seem so contradictory right now—on one hand, I know she’s at peace. Her journey was a long and painful one and I’m happy, in a way… But on the other hand, I’m heartbroken that our days of grabbing food on the Upper West Side and talking about everything from the latest pop culture news to the deepest corners of our hearts are over.

AC’s passing has brought up a lot of questions that can’t be answered—you know, the good ole’ existential ones—and my logical brain has been in overdrive trying to “understand it.” But what I’m learning is that there’s no making sense of this. Shit. Happens. People get cancer. The best we can do is take life’s experiences as they come and not shy away from life when it gets hard and messy.

And I say that because there were moments during Anna-Christina’s journey that I did turn away because I was too uncomfortable or confused by what was happening. There was a period of time where we lost touch for about 6 months or so while she was going through intense treatment. Because I couldn’t understand or relate to what she was going through, and it was such a stark contrast to my own reality, I shut down and I stopped reaching out for a while.

I didn’t know how to process what she was going through, so I didn’t. I didn’t think about it, I avoided the topic in therapy, and even though I thought of her all the time, I couldn’t bring myself to reach out. It was really hard on both of us—but when we finally did reconnect over brunch a few months later, she did the best thing that she could have done: she was honest with me, and told me that it hurt that I’d turned away. It was impossibly hard to hear, but I knew she was right. I apologized for turning away in my own discomfort. I promised to do better, and I did the best I could from then on—both with her and on my own, talking about our friendship and what she was going through in therapy and with others.

Not long after that brunch, COVID-19 hit. We didn’t talk much during the pandemic except for a quick text here or there or the occasional letter, but luckily this fall we were able to squeeze in a few in-person walks around the Upper West Side before her health really started to fail in January. Despite the toll her treatments had taken on her, she was always dressed up, quick to crack a joke about New Jersey and one hundred percent herself.

As I mentioned in a recent Brightside, I’m so thankful that I was able to spend some time with her a few weeks ago, before she left to be with her family in Colorado. There was nothing left unsaid between us, which is a gift. She always showed me so much grace and friendship no matter what, and loved me to my core—loved everyone to their core—and I just feel lucky to have collided with her in this lifetime.

I share this reflection in today’s Brightside to honor Anna-Christina, of course, but also to encourage you to embrace whatever kind of mess you have going on in your life right now head on. I know it’s easier said than done, but take it from me … it’s worth it.

AC was such a beautiful person and friend. I’m so thankful for this community of amazing Brightsiders, and this platform as a safe space for me to come and share what’s really going on. Something you can do to honor Anna-Christina today or this weekend is simply to get dressed up. She was always dressed to the nines and had an affinity for fashion, even throughout treatment, and she always used to hashtag #thetexturestoday on Instagram. So if you want something to do, try that.

That’s all for today, folks—I hope you have an incredible weekend ahead. Look out for some fun stuff to come—including a recap of my live with the amazing Emily of @damnthatsglam_ and some more features with her.